I died. [He holds a hand up before they can say more.] I don't know how many times. I have lost track of the "whys" and "whens." Some were my own doing. Others came at the hands of a stranger.
Every time, I have come back. Every time, the Phoenix reminds me that it is not done with me. And if I had been allowed to take the blade meant for me, it would have done the same.
[Luca doesn't have realize his eyes have begun to burn until it's too late. Dampness traces its way down over the round swell of his right cheek.]
He did not need to die. If the Phoenix had only told me it were possible, we would not have needed to be afraid. He would still be here.
[Behind them, that familiar spirit flickers in and out. Has his trademark charismatic smile faded in the slightest? Perhaps.]
[for far too long, kiera continues to simply stare, slack-jawed. any semblance of composure, of coolheaded aloofness, is out the window. she's a child again, terrified that great harm has come to her little-big brother. (it has.) the horror and despair is as plain on her face as any emotion was when she first learned from luca and cyrus and giselle and everyone that it was alright to show them.
of course she thinks of cyrus, bleeding out and choking on poison from the blade intended for his heir. but she also thinks of luca, fighting a castillan agent to the death and losing. luca, murdered in his sleep. luca, so alone and lost and anguished that he takes his own life.
luca, completely alone in the world, while kiera spent their life taking advantage of their position, drunk out of their mind, chasing every pleasure they could find in an effort to block out the pain that they probably could have eased if they'd only tried to face it.
luca, living in this grief and this guilt for nearly ten years.]
Luc... [kiera isn't crying, but their eyes are misty, and their voice quivering.] You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It wasn't your fault.
[Their silence is not wholly unwelcome. The longer she keeps her mouth shut, the less likely it feels that they'll run their mouth, say something stupid. He has opened himself up in his moment, flayed skin and peeled back ribs to expose a part of him that's been scarred again and again. He's vulnerable, and in a way he doesn't know he can trust Kiera to deal with properly.
By some miracle, what they do eventually find in themselves to say... isn't too far off how Luca feels. He knows they don't mean it in that regard, which makes him almost scoff. So close to the truth, but missing it entirely. It isn't like them, but how could they be expected to understand the full gravity of Luca's own situation.]
You're right. [He says it with a strange finality, one that runs counter to the broken chords of his voice just a few seconds prior.] I could not have known. It was not my fault.
[His hand settles above his chest. His fingers clamp down, nails digging through the fabric. If not for the second band over his chest, he might have even broken the skin.]
The Phoenix could have deigned to tell the truth years ago. It could have saved him. Instead, it sat idly in my mind until it was forced to act. [He shakes his head.] It doesn't care. Not for its scions. Not for its people. All it wants is pawns to act in its stead.
No more. I'll rip it out if I have to. And then I can finally rest.
[they should have realized this before. maybe it can be chalked up to them not being quite so emotionally distraught over anything in... just about eight years. which they'll likely beat themselves up over later, but right now...
all they can think of for the moment is how much they owe the phoenix. it welcomed them into its home despite their working for its enemy. eventually, its love for them burned so bright that the butterfly's influence was charred away entirely. after being reared to praise a beast so cruel, they found warmth and solace in a god that valued them as they were. kiera had come to love the phoenix with all their heart.
... but that was all a lie, too, they're realizing for the first time. the phoenix doesn't even care for its own blessed beyond his usefulness to it. why the hell would it care about them?]
So they are all the same. [they murmur, quiet, after a long moment of shock. and yet... the last thing luca says sends a shiver up their spine.]
[Wrapped up in his own grief as he is, Luca doesn't really consider what Kiera might be going through. He can't, when he isn't so privy to her thoughts. He'd watched her come around to the prospect, recalled her voice eventually joining his in the hymns they sang. But the war she'd waged to get there? The grief she might feel?
It's all hard to process, considering his own feelings.
Admittedly, he does catch her words, but he doesn't have the inclination to ask about them, not just yet. He is more occupied with her current question. And while he can't know the journey she's gone through to accept the Phoenix, he knows with some certainty that she's amongst its faithful.
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timeasmymeasure
cw: attempted suicide
Date: 2024-03-11 05:33 am (UTC)Every time, I have come back. Every time, the Phoenix reminds me that it is not done with me. And if I had been allowed to take the blade meant for me, it would have done the same.
[Luca doesn't have realize his eyes have begun to burn until it's too late. Dampness traces its way down over the round swell of his right cheek.]
He did not need to die. If the Phoenix had only told me it were possible, we would not have needed to be afraid. He would still be here.
[Behind them, that familiar spirit flickers in and out. Has his trademark charismatic smile faded in the slightest? Perhaps.]
cw: suicide
Date: 2024-03-11 05:59 am (UTC)of course she thinks of cyrus, bleeding out and choking on poison from the blade intended for his heir. but she also thinks of luca, fighting a castillan agent to the death and losing. luca, murdered in his sleep. luca, so alone and lost and anguished that he takes his own life.
luca, completely alone in the world, while kiera spent their life taking advantage of their position, drunk out of their mind, chasing every pleasure they could find in an effort to block out the pain that they probably could have eased if they'd only tried to face it.
luca, living in this grief and this guilt for nearly ten years.]
Luc... [kiera isn't crying, but their eyes are misty, and their voice quivering.] You didn't know. You couldn't have known. It wasn't your fault.
cw: suicide
Date: 2024-03-11 12:55 pm (UTC)By some miracle, what they do eventually find in themselves to say... isn't too far off how Luca feels. He knows they don't mean it in that regard, which makes him almost scoff. So close to the truth, but missing it entirely. It isn't like them, but how could they be expected to understand the full gravity of Luca's own situation.]
You're right. [He says it with a strange finality, one that runs counter to the broken chords of his voice just a few seconds prior.] I could not have known. It was not my fault.
[His hand settles above his chest. His fingers clamp down, nails digging through the fabric. If not for the second band over his chest, he might have even broken the skin.]
The Phoenix could have deigned to tell the truth years ago. It could have saved him. Instead, it sat idly in my mind until it was forced to act. [He shakes his head.] It doesn't care. Not for its scions. Not for its people. All it wants is pawns to act in its stead.
No more. I'll rip it out if I have to. And then I can finally rest.
no subject
Date: 2024-03-14 03:41 pm (UTC)all they can think of for the moment is how much they owe the phoenix. it welcomed them into its home despite their working for its enemy. eventually, its love for them burned so bright that the butterfly's influence was charred away entirely. after being reared to praise a beast so cruel, they found warmth and solace in a god that valued them as they were. kiera had come to love the phoenix with all their heart.
... but that was all a lie, too, they're realizing for the first time. the phoenix doesn't even care for its own blessed beyond his usefulness to it. why the hell would it care about them?]
So they are all the same. [they murmur, quiet, after a long moment of shock. and yet... the last thing luca says sends a shiver up their spine.]
What are you getting at?
no subject
Date: 2024-03-15 12:16 am (UTC)It's all hard to process, considering his own feelings.
Admittedly, he does catch her words, but he doesn't have the inclination to ask about them, not just yet. He is more occupied with her current question. And while he can't know the journey she's gone through to accept the Phoenix, he knows with some certainty that she's amongst its faithful.
Which means she won't like what he has to say.]
I plan to kill it. At any cost.